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Parenting - The Difference Between Discipline and Punishment (Part 1)

Comparing discipline and punishment in parenting is like comparing an apple with an orange, or more precisely, an apple tree with an orange.

By discipline most parents assume something positive. We can say "well-disciplined child" with approval, whereas we can't say "well-punished child." The latter doesn't sound right, it sounds too negative. Parents want the child to be disciplined, but not punished. However, discipline involves punishment. So parents have to accept that some sort of punishment is necessary in the process of the child's healthy moral development, some sort of good punishment. The rest of punishment is assumed to be bad. What is this sort of good punishment?

Many experts call it "consequences." For example, when a child is late for dinner, he or she has to eat cold food, or doesn't eat at all, because the parents chose not to feed the child, hoping to teach a lesson. This is a consequence of being late for dinner. Even if it is called a consequence, it is still punishment: it hurts, it is unpleasant to be hungry. The goal of this punishment is to make a child fear being late again. As as result, if the procedure is consistent enough, the child is learning "discipline."

We would like to make an important note here. Very often, such process of disciplining a child is like training a pet. Parents "give" consequences (read - punishment) to the child for an undesirable behavior, (and reward for good behavior). Because children are not pets, instead of desirable fear of consequences, that parents expect, the children feel anger toward their parents for being heartless and unintelligent.

The real consequence (punishment) that "teaches" doesn't come from the parents. It comes from anything or anyone else, but parents. It comes from the demands of other people, from life. For example, if a family has plans to go to the movie after dinner, and a child is late for dinner, he or she would not have a chance to eat in time, they all rush to the movie and the child is hungry - that is the real lesson! That hurts too, hunger is unpleasant, and that punishes the child very well. The parents role here is to feel compassion to the child.

to be continued...

People Are Good - The Secret of Good Parents (Part 2)

Good parents believe that people are good. What do they mean by good? What exactly do good parents look for in people?

Good people means kind and honest people. When parents want to raise good children they mean kind and honest children. Why exactly these two words? Some people list values as: appreciating, grateful, caring, compassionate, courteous, forgiving, listening, loving, patient, sacrificing, tolerant, peaceful, humble, committed, respectful, intelligent, fair, and just. Each of these words has some relation to kind and honest, in one way or another these words describe a person as the person is either kind or honest.

For example, people are caring and compassionate because they are kind and can imagine another person's feelings and pain. People listen to others because they are kind enough to be attentive to another person's needs. People are grateful for the goodness, which comes from someone in their lives, and they are kind because they know that goodness. People are fair because they evaluate situations honestly and see justice; they are tolerant because they approach other people honestly as equal; they are committed because they are honest to the words they give; intelligent - because they know the difference between honesty and dishonesty, between good and bad.

The list of qualities, which people use to describe what they mean by good can be endless. However there are only two groups, kindness (or love), which is a function of people's hearts, and honesty (or conscience), which is a function of people's intelligence, the ability to discern between good and bad.

The reason these old-fashioned qualities are not popular in conventional parenting vocabulary is that they require parents to have those qualities themselves. Here is the complete secret of good parents: they themselves are kind and honest, and they raise great children. They don't consider kindness and honesty as a human weakness. They believe in love and conscience.

People Are Good - The Secret of Good Parents (Part 1)

The secret of good parents is that they believe that people are good. When they talk or think of other people they look for good rather than for bad. It is not that they just don't blame others for anything, they actually find something to admire in others, including their spouses, children, neighbours, relatives etc. That is what children sense and pick up from such parents. Those children grow to be caring and fair to other people, including their own siblings and parents. Children of good parents become a joy for their parents.

Many parents crave for the same result in parenting but they don't know this secret. Instead, they focus on the child, exclusively. What is wrong with my child? Why is my child mean to her brother, and other children in school? Why is my child rude to me, ignoring my requests, talking back? There must be a "fix" to this problem, help!

Those parents have good intentions, too. But they notice their children mostly when the children get in trouble. Unfortunately, parents pay attention not to children, but to the problem, which children cause. Sadly, parents look for answers in the wrong place; they react to the children's behavior by complaining about children. Usually, for them, children are heartless, dishonest, rude, careless, mean, hurtful, bossy, threatening, hitting, lying, disrespectful, sneaky, selfish, stubborn, unpleasant, shameless, indifferent, etc.). It's all about the child not being ok in their parents' mind.

Looking in the wrong place, parents are driven by fear of children's problems, fear of children. It is because they don't believe that people are good, in general, and they also don't believe that their children are good. Simon Soloveychik in Parenting For Everyone wrote, "We don't believe in children not because they are bad, but they become bad because we don't believe in them." Thus, the problem of children's behavior becomes a problem of parental faith.

Audacity of Children's Hope - If Children Had the Words

We all seem to know what children need. We know what children want. But what do children hope for?

If only children had the words! They would be able to express what is inside their souls: the deepest, very human, set of ideals, which each child hopes for. Even adults struggle to find the right words. It is because language in modern society uses different words, substitutes of what has been forgotten, or brainwashed away. Barack Obama in his book The Audacity of Hope wrote that "we don't even seem to possess a shared language with which to discuss our ideals." However, "we have no choice," but to share our ideals and values, to find this language, with which we raise hopeful children.

For example, everyone seems to be in favor of the word discipline. Parents are concerned about how to raise well-disciplined children. They read about the role of discipline in upbringing. But is discipline the right word? Hitler too was in favor of "discipline from his boys," according to Rudolf Hess, The Oath to Adolf Hitler. What the former dictator wanted was blind discipline and obedience. Sometimes parents too want their children simply to obey, and they call it discipline. But, maybe what good parents really mean is internal discipline, or a sense of responsibility, or even better yet, internal freedom!

In another example when describing a good parent, many use the word caring. Good parents behave to fit this quality, they care of children. But how about the word magnanimity? One can pretend that she is caring, but she cannot pretend that she is magnanimous.

Or, one can pretend that she worries about her child's self esteem, but she cannot pretend that she worries about the child's dignity. For the latter, she must know dignity herself, know what this word refers to, not just recall it when it comes to old age or death. But, does she really know?

There is something authentic, sacred, lofty in those words. Every time people mention ideals they tend to apologize or cautiously use lofty words. Barack Obama in his book recognized "the risks" of using lofty words when he described the necessity of political changes. In families, like in society, there is a necessity to change too. Simon Soloveychik in Parenting For Everyone wrote, "In lofty words there might be a lie. But without them parenting inevitably becomes a lie." So, we too have no choice. Like Soloveychik, we have to say, "forgive me, lofty words," we have to use you, because we want to know what children hope for.

What are those lofty words? Maybe there will be less need for political changes if parents' minds start to change. A family is one little cell of a nation: parents are government, and children are citizens. What do little citizens hope for? They hope for goodness and justice in their families. They hope that people around them are kind and honest. They hope that parents care about each other's dignity and dignity of other people, including dignity of their children. They hope that in building relationships with children and between each other, parents are led by conscience. They hope that mothers are magnanimous, and fathers are conscientious. They hope that mothers and fathers have faith in children's goodness. They hope for goodness and truth in the world. Do children hope for too much?

More on dignity: http://www.ParentingForEveryone.com/dignity

Have Responsibility - Seven Stages of Self-Liberation

There are seven stages of self-liberation on the road from birth to death. Each stage represents a change in freedom available to people. Simultaneously, there is an invisible change in acquired responsibilities.

1st stage. At birth a new born liberates himself, with pain and a cry, from his mother's womb to the world. What freedom! Yet, no responsibility whatsoever. Mother and other caregivers around are fully responsible for baby. It is freedom with full supervision.

2nd stage. Baby starts walking. Struggling with gravity and learning to maneuver a little body he liberates himself for freedom to move. His mother is still responsible for his life and safety. But from now on if he falls to the ground he would know that he did it himself, not that the ground jumped up and hit him. With the first steps comes the first realisation that he needs to rely on himself.

3rd stage. A child goes outside. The yard and street have so much to offer! Yet, there are also dangers. The child is learning to recognise what is what, with supervision of mother. With age and experience supervision lessens, and responsibility of the child increases. It is a stage of half freedom and half supervision.

4th stage. A child goes to school! There is less and less supervision from mother, more and more responsibility is put on the child. Perhaps it takes a decade for the child to become fully prepared for independence.

5th stage. It is an invisible stage happening in the mind of the growing child. Nature offers the ability to give birth to another human being. It is a higher level of freedom, which one didn't have before. Yet it is a great responsibility. The efforts of the growing child in realising this responsibility is self-liberation from ignorance to knowledge. If this process doesn't happen internally (in the mind), the lesson of responsibility may be very painful.

6th stage. A child is grown up and starts his own life. No supervision, full external freedom. Everything now depends on how much the grown up has developed internal freedom. Ideally, the grown up child must be completely financially independent from parents; and hopefully continue fully attached to the parents by his soul.

7th stage. Death. Full freedom from responsibility.

There are different stages of human development. We described Simon Soloveychik's unique view on this process, which he calls self-liberation. In fact, people are doing this every day. They liberate themselves from problems by solving them. So do children in their lives. They are going about their day to day routines overcoming their helplessness, to become empowered, moving from dependence to independence. In this way they are learning to be responsible.

Have Responsibility - Through Self-Liberation

In order to raise responsible children parents give them freedom, hoping that "with freedom comes responsibility" (Eleanor Roosevelt). That is true with one important clarification. "Freedom that leads to responsibility is not given or granted; it is obtained by internal efforts. A child develops not by freedom itself, as some people think, but by the child's own actions to obtain freedom, by the child's self-liberation" (Simon Soloveychik).

The confusion in perception of freedom is hidden in its external and internal character. Parents widespread perception of freedom is usually an external freedom: freedom to move, to play, and to have a variety of choices. Those parents, who can afford, usually provide more space and toys to children with the hope that children naturally develop themselves. But children may not be able to handle freedom. Often they go wild and run out of control: they scream, they hit each other, they bother each other, or they hurt themselves. As a result parents limit children's freedom, for example by taking toys away, or by giving a time out. In other words, parents use the external freedom of children as a reward and punishment tool, by either giving freedom to children or taking it away.

Often, when freedom is taken away, children become rebellious. They strive to liberate themselves from their parents' petty prohibitions, and often the children's strength is exhausted in this fight. By the time they have a chance to be free from parents (become adolescents), they exchange their freedom for dependence on their peers. When grown up such people don't know responsibility, because their decisions were made for them by other people. Thus, external freedom given by parents has no direct relation to raising responsibility in children.

Internal freedom has a different character. It can not be given or taken away. Children don't necessarily need too many choices. They need one activity at a time, with a purpose, with meaning; it must be challenging, and simultaneously, it must be doable. Children learn from their own efforts while exploring something new. This internal discovery from "I didn't know" to "Now I know!" brings deep satisfaction to children, as it would bring to adults, is a self-liberating process. From being helpless - to being skillful: this is the process of self liberation which leads to internal freedom. Parents cannot take this freedom away from children. Nobody can. When children become teenagers and know internal freedom, they liberate themselves from limitations of life, from weaknesses of character, from cowardice, and from social injustice. They are not dependent on peer pressure. They make their own decisions and are responsible for those decisions.

Only with self-liberation comes responsibility. Only with internal freedom comes responsibility.

Have Responsibility - What Does It Mean? (Part 3)

"Independent means being free, or more precisely, being internally free," says Simon Soloveychik in his book Parenting For Everyone. By freedom people assume freedom of choices. Internal freedom assumes full responsibility for those choices. Therefore a free man is a completely responsible man. How do irresponsible children grow up to be responsible people?

Apparently, "freedom of a man is determined by the source of punishment for his mistakes" (S.Soloveychik). If we punish children for their wrong choices we take responsibility ourselves. We are being responsible, not the children. When we scold, blame, shame, or rebuke a child for his or her mistakes we punish the child. The source of punishment comes from us, from outside the child. So, the child doesn't learn responsibility. All the child learns is that we don't love him or her and that he or she is supposed to be guilty. Therefore, children grow not free, afraid of people, afraid of life, and they are afraid of freedom. Only when the source of punishment comes from inside the child (internally), when the child feels hurt from doing wrong, he learns responsibility. Only then he becomes internally free.

Why does it need to be so complicated? Why do we even talk about responsibility? Sometimes it is more convenient to raise a child who is obedient and controllable. Let's admit it: sometimes we don't want our children to be free! But do we want our children to be happy? In the movie Pursuit of Happiness the main character, Chris Gardner portrayed by Will Smith, represents a free man. He doesn't complain, he doesn't blame, he is fully responsible, and he feels equal to other people. He is in search of solutions, in pursuit of his happiness. Will Smith's character calls for our admiration. Do we want our children to grow up to be people who are worth admiring? Then we need to learn how to raise them to be internally free.

Have Responsibility - What Does It Mean? (Part 2)

To have responsibility means to be able to respond, to answer why someone did what he did. Who does the person have to respond to? Sometimes he has to admit that he did wrong publicly. Sometimes he apologizes to a person he hurt privately. But very often he doesn't have anybody to speak to, but himself. He admits to himself that he doesn't want to repeat what he did wrong. That is what is most important. That is how people become responsible. They learn to do right and avoid doing wrong because doing wrong hurts! In human language this internal responsiveness is called conscientiousness. A developed intelligence to discern between right and wrong is called conscience.

Only when children learn about how doing wrong hurts inside they develop their own internal system of judgment. They start to strive to do good and avoid doing bad things, in other words, they become intelligent. They don't need outside approval or disapproval because they already know what is good and what is bad. So they become independent from approval and from any judgment. They become free. They are not afraid of people's judgment, they are not afraid of people. They acquire internal strength of character, which brings courage to admit willingly that they did something wrong, a quality, which not many adults have.

Another misconception of parents is when they think that they teach responsibility by setting boundaries or limits on children. The parents' boundaries only irritate children and teach them to ignore their parents' efforts, or to play a game called power struggle. The real boundaries arise inside a child, in his conscientiousness, in his developed intelligence and heart.

Have Responsibility - What Does It Mean? (Part1)

Responsibility is one of the top qualities parents want their chidlren to have when children grow up. To be responsible literally means to be able to respond, to answer why someone did what he did. If the action is wrong, the answer is not easy. It requires courage to admit that someone was wrong, and it requires intelligence to discern between right and wrong, and it requires desire to learn from the lesson and not do the same thing again.

When it comes to teaching children responsibility parents are confused in many ways. They think their duty is to explain to children why particular actions are wrong, which assumingly develops children's intelligence. They also try to be friendly so that children won't fear punishment for their misbehavior. Instead of harsh punishment parents would use a punishment of a soft sort. For example, if a boy took a toy from his sister and she started crying, his parents will explain why his behavior was bad and hurt his sister; therefore he must have a time out. Will the boy become responsible and not hurt his sister again because of the explanation and the time out?

Intelligence to discern between right and wrong doesn't come to a child from explanations. The child must have a willingness to act in the right way and to avoid temptations. This willingness doesn't come because of words; it comes because of feelings. In the example above if the boy could feel his sister's pain, he would not be able to hurt her next time. The ability to feel for another person, or imagine another person's pain, is the quality of a developed heart. Do parents think about developing children's feelings when they think of teaching responsibility?

Commentary to Parenting For Everyone, Book 1 Part1 chapter 9

Parents' Project - From Ideal Child to Ideal Man (Part2)

Parents underestimate the importance of the fact that there are two images in their minds when they bring up children: an image of a child, an ideal child, and an image of a grown up, an ideal man, whom their child would hopefully become. Most disappointments in parenting come from a mismatch between reality and the ideal. When children are small parents think for them and tell them what to do. Parents expect children to be dependent. When children become adults and live in society, parents expect them to think for themselves and not wait until other people tell them what to do. In other words, parents expect them to be independent.

Here they are - our children. Still boys and girls, striving to be independent. They are loud, when we want quiet, and quiet when we want them to be assertive; they are unskilled, clumsy, messy, in one word - imperfect. Do we need to mold them to be perfect children to fit our ideal images? What if, in our way, we accidentally push down their spirits and hold back their striving for independence? Or, do we rather hold back our teaching passion and let them make their mistakes, which hopefully they out grow by the time they are adults?

The solution is inevitable. Our image of the ideal child stops being ideal, in terms of being "perfect." We see our real child and he is far from perfect. But we say, "Perfect! This is how a child is supposed to be." Now what? Now it is time to ponder on the image of an ideal man. How does independence develop in a man? Do we need to give a child freedom? What is this freedom about? Is it freedom to do anything, say anything, scream anything? "There must be boundaries, limits," ague many parenting experts. But why do some children feel free even in a corner of a room, and some children go wild in a huge house and still feel dependent? Maybe it is time to make clear what we know about boundaries, independence, responsibility, and freedom. The result of a parenting project completely depends on the clarity of these concepts.

As any project starts in the mind of its planner, upbringing of children starts in the mind of parents. The clearer understanding, the greater the result will be on the road from ideal child to ideal man.

Parents' Project - From Ideal Child to Ideal Man (Part1)

Nowadays everyone seems to be aware of the power of thought. Many progressive parents know that an action starts in the mind first. When pondering on parents' project to raise a child parents have thoughts and ideas on how they will do it. Most people get their first ideas on parenting from their own parents. They have images of who the child is supposed to be as a child and who the child is supposed to become as an adult. Those ideal images of a child and an adult are ideal because they live in the mind of the parent. When it comes to reality, in most cases, the real child, or real adult, which the child is supposed to become, are far from "ideal."

The main quality of an ideal child is dependence. A child is born weak and helpless. Therefore parents are there for him: to care, to help, to teach, and to lead. The child is supposed to follow. In most cases, though, the real child resists and doesn't want to follow. When parents face such a mismatch they try hard to fix the real child to fit their ideal image of a child. In the best case scenario parents reach their goal and the real child becomes obedient and a well -mannered dependent child, as he or she is supposed to be as children. The problem comes later, when it is time to become an adult.

The main quality of an ideal adult is independence. An adult is supposed to make his own decisions in life and those decisions are hopefully the right ones. For that purpose an adult must have already developed a set of proven criteria for judging what is right and what is wrong. However, a child who was taught to be dependent will not be able to develop that criteria. That is why it is unrealistic to expect a child to become independent overnight, after the child's 18th birthday. He cannot make decisions, because his parents made them for him during his childhood. So the drama continues. Now parents look to fix the real grown up child to fit their image of an independent adult. But fixing the grown up is harder and parents give up, stating that their grown up is responsible for now for his own life. In the best case scenario the grown up child will find his own sources to cope with his life. But sometimes it takes twenty or more years, if not longer, for a person to finally become independent.

If parents learn this lesson they give up attempts of fixing their real child to fit their ideals. Instead, they change their ideal image of a child to match the ideal image of an adult. Independence, the quality of being an adult, becomes the quality of the child, expressed in its internal striving for independence, striving for freedom.

How to reach this goal? How to raise an independent child? The answers will come in following articles.

Why people have children

There are many reasons why people have children: because children represent the future and they are a source of pride; because parents want to pass on their genes and have heirs; because of the desire to experience parenthood or to feel like a family, not just like a couple. Sometimes children are seen as a source of future financial support for their retired parents, sort of an old-age security. Some mothers feel their biological clocks ticking. There are religious reasons as well. No matter how many personal reasons, or no reasons at all exist, people will still look for the answer to this question.

Even those who already have children still wonder why people have children. In this case they do not look for reasons. They look for the meaning. What is the meaning of having children? At first glance it may seem that reason and meaning are the same. Reasons listed above are more tangible, practical, and even selfish. The meaning of having children is philosophical, intangible, and spiritual. Reasons push. Meaning draws.

Why do people have children? Because children bring joy, that is why!

In the beginning it may appear as selfish joy, which is okay, when we want a baby: to hold, to touch, to smell the baby's milky soft skin, to look at a miracle of life. Then the sleepless nights and endless care-giving chores put the idealistic picture of having a baby into the realm of dedication to a child, and require the work of soul. For those parents who are able to experience the excitement of overcoming selfishness and are able to reach mutual connectedness with the soul of their child, this experience is unforgettable and worth all the efforts. In an online forum a father, who didn't think he even liked children, made a comment, that the moment he saw his sons he couldn't "get enough of them." Having kids for him was a "transformative, amazing, incredible" experience, where "all your worst qualities (and your best) being played out in front of you." He wrote, "I love them, and I love the father that I am with them. Having kids makes me a better man."

People have children because children make them better men. Here is the joy and meaning of parenting.

Ideas are taken from Parenting For Everyone by Simon Soloveychik, Book Part1 chapter6.

Parenting information: regarding two types of parents

Parenting is the most contradictory and confusing subject of discussion. Each parent has their own opinion about it. Yet, there are clearly two groups of parents, which always argue with each other: yes-parents versus no-parents (or permissive versus authoritarian). They argue about the degree of external freedom allowed to children. But arguments continue even within each group because of the many other facets of the child-parent relationship. Some parents are confused by the different levels of extremes inside their own group and try to derive common sense by combining both theories. We would like to describe two other types of parents, who differ by their attitude toward children.

Children are interesting to parents of the first type. We will call these parents detny parents. When giving an apple to a child a detny parent would enjoy watching the child eat the apple.

All other parents look at children as objects for teaching. When giving an apple to a child such parents would watch to make sure the child says thank you. When meeting a school boy the only thing such parents would ask is "How are your grades?" (What else is there to talk about?) Detny parents, on the other hand, find plenty of topics to talk about to children, therefore they can talk to them for hours and never get bored.

Detny parents don't consider themselves perfect. So they don't expect children to be perfect either. Detny parents admit that they make mistakes. And they let children make their mistakes as well. They also don't try to convince anyone that they are always right.

Not detny parents are concerned about their rightousness and are defensive when children address these parents weaknesses. Parents perceive this as an attack to their authority and a power struglle ensues. Parents are afraid of losing control over the children and eventually this leads to fear of children. Detny parents, on the other hand, are not afraid of children, because there is no reason for power struggles.

Detny parents don't blame children. They also don't blame anybody else for their life's misfortunes; they are responsible for their own lives. However, they don't expect children to be responsible for children's lives, because children are still children. And children eventually learn about responsibility from these parents.

These ideas are taken from Simon Soloveychik's book Parenting For Everyone.

Parenting problems: what good parents know that bad parents don't

Parenting problems are usually expressed by "what to do if ..." questions. We want to know what to do if a child is stubborn, naughty, slow, sloppy, lazy, and rude. What if a child disobeys, smokes, steals, and lies? What if a child is cowardly, dependent, weak-willed, careless, tactless, spiteful, greedy, stingy, and shy? The list of questions is endless. When parents find the answer to one problem they are faced with another one waiting further down the road of upbringing. Why do some parents keep facing these problems, and why do some parents have no problems with their children at all? What is the secret of good parenting? Is it possible to learn how to raise children without the necessity for "what to do if..." questions?

Simon Soloveychik, the author of Parenting For Everyone says yes, it is possible. The secret of good parentimg exists in the field of ethics. Stated simply, ethics is the science about good and bad and how to differentiate between them. When parents understand the difference between good and bad they acquire intelligence .

So, from an ethical point of view, what do good parents know that bad parents don't?

1. Good parents know that they are good and honest people.
2. Good parents know that their child is a good and honest child.
3. Good parents know that there are many other good and honest people in the world and that there are more good people than bad ones.

The first statement says that effective parents have faith in their goodness. Generally they have healthy self-esteem and conscientiousness. So they view their lives in a positive way. They also have a positive approach to life's challenges. They are free people. They are not afraid of people. And they are not afraid of their own children.

The second statement is very important for parenting. Many mistakes come from underestimating the significance of this statement. Believe that your child is good and honest. Then your child will believe you, and will form the right image of himself in his mind. Your child will act accordingly to the belief, which you infected him with. Simon Soloveychik calls this a new parenting faith. If you have not yet acquired this faith you may have parenting problems.

The third statement is especially important. Children will sense whether you are truthful or not when it comes to judging others. If you believe that there are more bad people than good ones in the world, you impart to your child the idea that the world is a dangerous place. In a dangerous world you cannot trust anybody. When you pretend that you trust someone children notice this fake attitude, and they lose trust in you. When children stop trusting you all the other problems begin.

How do you learn to believe in yourself, in your child, and in goodness in the world? By education, by reading, by learning about the laws of the development of the human spirit . It requires a work of soul. There is no other way to avoid problems in parenting.

Parenting ideas: about teaching, praising and more

Upbringing must be unnoticeable. If you want to teach your child anything, do it without your child noticing your teaching. Teach without teaching, preaching, or lecturing. A child knows that at school a teacher teaches and evaluates the child's progress: is the child doing good or bad. At home a child wants to rest from being evaluated. However, any teaching, if noticed, assumes the inevitable- an evaluation will follow. Many parents constantly give their approval or disapproval to a child: good boy, good job, or, naaah, not so good... This eventually touches the child's dignity, the child's sense of worth. In this environment, where the child has no rest from being evaluated, being watched, and being taught, upbringing becomes ineffective. When it happens parents assume that they are doing not enough of teaching and work even harder to teach the child a lesson.

A child learns lessons not from the parents' words addressed to the child but from parent's words addressed to the world around the child. The child notices parental approval or disapproval of other people's actions, no matter whether or not those people live together in the same house or out in the world. Good parents don't necessarily approve or disapprove their child's actions. They let a child be a child. They show no doubts in their child's value. They make most of efforts toward increasing dignity of their children.

Increasing dignity of children doesn't include praising children right and left, with or without reason. Parents mistakenly think that praising children without reasons raises children' self-esteem. In fact, praising without reasons leads children to confusion, when they inevitably encounter people's judgment, which actually decrease the children's self-esteem. On the other hand praising children with reason, if done constantly, works like a drug and makes children become addicted, or dependent on the supply of a such praise. It is especially dangerous because it is commonly assumed to be a good parenting tool. When children are constantly praised for their good behavior they get used to pleasing adults to get more praise, they become afraid to do wrong and be deprived of praise. Such children become dependent and easily manipulated by others. Is this how you want your child to grow up to be?

It is possible to teach without teaching. There is upbringing without upbringing. The book Parenting For Everyone investigates the laws of raising children, not difficult children, but ordinary ones. What is possible and impossible in upbringing? What real power do parents have? What results follow from what actions? What are those laws and truths of the science of the art of parenting? One of them is that upbringing must be unnoticeable. If you want to teach somebody how to live do it unnoticeably.

Ideas taken from Parenting For Everyone by Simon Soloveychik, book1 part 1 chapter 3

Parent's challenge: learn what is left out of parenting books

Why is the subject of upbringing considered to be one of the most difficult tasks? Three parts are involved in upbringing: the parent, the child, and the relationship between them. When parenting books address parents they usually describe to parents peculiarities of a child's development, and tips to improve the relationship between them. But advice from those books may not work because one variable is left out: knowledge about the parent. "What kind of knowledge is it ," you may ask, "I know all about myself!" Yes and no. Yes, because you know your strengths and weaknesses as a parent. No, because you probably didn't think of the goals of upbringing, of your beliefs about your child, and many other things, without which you couldn't understand why some advice worked and some didn't.

This approach is commonplace, wherein "something works for me, and something doesn't." So parents go and look and look for tips and advice and test them on their children, at the expense of their children's relationship with them. This results in disappointed parents as if their children are guilty. Where in fact the reason of disappointment is that parents were looking in the wrong place.

Parenting is complex. This is something that authors tend to avoid because parents want quick fixes. However instant gratification does not work in the long term.

What knowledge about parents is left out in most parenting books? Here is an example. Parents have their image of an ideal child and very often this image doesn't fit with the image of the actual child. This incongruency leads to confusion. The way to avoid this is to change the ideal image to fit your real child according to your long term parental goals. Parenting faith is the most important quality of parents for a happy and long lasting relationship with children. What do you know about parenting faith and goals of upbringing? The authors of parenting books assume that you know about this things. Therefore they don't address it.

Simon Soloveychik in his book Parenting For Everyone states, "It does not matter how high destiny lifts a man, or how low fate plunges him - his happiness or unhappiness is in his children. The older we become the more we understand this." He gives a very comprehensive explanation of what parents need to learn about themselves, their parenting faith, their conditions of child rearing. With this knowledge parents will be fully armed to face a parent's challenge.

A parent's project: advice for mothers-to-be

If you are expecting a baby it is a wonderful time to consider your knowledge on parenting. How will you raise your child? What do you know about parenting? Do you want to raise your child the way your parents raised you?

The science of the art of upbringing children is not taught at special schools for parents. It is taught at the school of life. From childhood people learn about parenting; they learn it from their parents, and from other adults of the community. The fewer people around a child the less teachers he has. If an only child is raised by a single mother she is the only responsible one. Everything in a child-parent relationship will depend on how well prepared the mother is to parent. Perhaps, it will help to consider your parenting as a parent's project with goals, objectives, and realistic conditions.

In this work you will need a good guide. We have advice for mothers-to-be: read the book Parenting For Everyone by Simon Soloveychik. We are starting a series of articles introducing classical parenting ideas taken from this book.

So it begins... A serious attempt to understand the roots of humanity in people. Soloveychik's first chapter is short. As a short but deep inhalation of air before starting a long journey, a journey of understanding the science about the art of child-rearing.

Why art? As each individual is unique, each childhood is unique. Each child's upbringing may become a masterpiece of a talented parent, unique for each child, or it may become an ugly picture by an unjust and heartless parent. It's an art because you need talent to raise a child, talent of faith, hope and love. These concepts belong to the category of art .

Why science? Because there are laws. Knowing these laws is essential. If we don't learn about them naturally from our parents, we have to learn about them from life, from our children, or from other people, the hard way. As Soloveychik says, "We all have to teach each other, because we cannot teach little children."

This is our advice for mothers-to-be: prepare for child rearing, learn about the laws of child-parent relationship and discover your parenting talents.

(Commentary to Simon Soloveychik's Parenting For Everyone, Book1part1chapter1. Parenting is the science about the art of upbringing)

1112. Parenting without lofty words is deceptive

Nobody is surprised when legal documents start with definitions. If we want to set clear responsibilities between parties of the contract we need to use concepts with clear meaning. Same with parenting. If we want to understand clearly our roles and relations in the business of raising children we need to use clear words.

What are our goals in childrearing? What kind of person do we want our child to grow up to be? For example, we want our child to grow as a caring, responsible and successful adult with qualities of leadership and strong will. Adolf Hitler had these qualities. To some degree he was successful in his endeavors. He was a strong willed leader. He could be caring toward his girlfriend and his dog. Doesn't this example suggest that we need to be careful in choosing the words describing our parenting goals?

Simon Soloveychik offers to readers definitions of clear parenting purposes, which people consider lofty words. Without these words parenting inevitably becomes a lie, he states.

1111. Stages of self-liberation on the road from birth to birth

There are many different stages of human development. In his book Parenting For Everyone Simon Soloveychik offers his unique view on this process. He calls it self-liberation, which each person goes through from birth to death. At birth people are liberated for life. Then, stage after stage people are liberating themselves from dependencies of life, for freedom. Free people are fully responsible for their lives. At death the process ends by gaining freedom from any responsibility.

In fact what we are doing every day is that we are liberating ourselves from our problems by solving them. So do our children in their lives. They are doing their day to day routine overcoming their helplessness, to become empowered, moving from dependence to independence. If parents get used to looking at their children this way their attitude toward their chidlren would become better. Consequently, their children would too.

1110. Internal freedom: A child is developing by self-liberation

One of the greatest myths of freedom is belief that freedom granted externally leads to internal freedom. "Freedom that leads to responsibility is not given or granted; it is obtained by internal efforts. A child develops not by freedom itself, as some people think, but by the child's own actions to obtain freedom, by the child's self-liberation," states Simon Soloveychik.

Suppose we have two homes. In one home children are not allowed to act freely in most cases. They don't feel free. They strive to liberate themselves from parents' petty prohibitions, and often the children's strength is exhausted in this fight. By the time they have a chance to be free from parents they exchange their freedom for dependence on their peers.

In another home the children's actions are limited by very few rules. These children feel free. Yet, they too strive for freedom. They strive to liberate themselves from the limitations of life. They strive to break free from weakness of character, from cowardice, from social injustice. When they become teenagers and separate from their parents they are ready to meet their peers and be independent from them. They have strength to stand against negative peer pressure because they have experienced freedom.

Unfortunately many parents think that just providing a free environment is enough for raising internally free, responsible people. Modern parenting books based on psychology consider the topic of responsibility. But psychology doesn't investigate the causes and roots of responsibility. It doesn't speak in terms of internal freedom or self-liberation. These topics belong to the domain philosophy.

119. Internal freedom: first step is to understand independence

First, let's clarify the idea of two images in parents' minds. The majority of parents have an image of a Child when they raise a child, and they have an image of a Man who their child should grow up to be. The Child is supposed to be dependent, one who is to be taught what to do. The Man is supposed to be independent, one who is supposed to know what to do. The greatest disappointment in upbringing takes its root from this point. When parents raise their child by the image of dependent child they receive a big child in the end, not an independent man as they were expecting. Therefore Simon Soloveychik asks readers to make it clear what result parents want to get in the end of upbringing, what goal they want to reach.

Every parent would agree that his or her child should become an independent person. Thus, independence is the ultimate goal of upbringing of a child. If this is so, then we need to accept that there is only one image we should keep in our mind when we raise children. It is the image of an independent child, or a child striving for independence. "How is this possible?" You may ask, "A child is dependent on us!" Yes, a child is dependent on us, and yet, a dependent child may still be free. It seems to be a contradiction: we have a child dependent on us and we still can raise a free child, simultaneously. Many parents do this work and they are very happy with their results. For the reason, to diminish this contradiction, we need to clarify what we mean by independence.

"Independent means being free, or more precisely, being internally free" (S.Soloveychik). Chapter 9 is the most difficult chapter of the whole book because it is about internal freedom, or inner independence. Most people are confused here. Everyone can admit that freedom assumes freedom of choices. In comparison to a commonplace opinion though, internal freedom also assumes full responsibility for those choices. Therefore a free man is a completely responsible man. How do irresponsible children grow up to be responsible people? Apparently, "freedom of a man is determined by the source of punishment for his mistakes," says Simon Soloveychik. If we punish children for their wrong choices we take responsibility ourselves. We are being responsible, not the children. When we scold, blame, or rebuke a child for his or her mistakes we punish the child. The child doesn't learn responsibility. All the child learns is that we don't love him or her and that he or she is supposed to be guilty. Therefore children grow not free, afraid of people, afraid of life, afraid of freedom.

When teenagers are used to punishment in childhood, they don't know internal freedom, and they don't know responsibility. They avoid responsibility. When there is a chance they strive to join a group of other teenagers or adults, they strive to continue being dependent, because they don't know any better. Unfortunately, instead of understanding the root of mistakes in upbringing, parents tend to control children even harder and eventually parents fail.

Why does it need to be so complicated? Why do we even talk about responsibility? Sometimes it is more convenient to raise a child who is obedient and controllable. Let's admit it: sometimes we don't want our children to be free! But do we want our children to be happy? In the movie Pursuit of Happiness the main character, Chris Gardner acted by Will Smith, represents a free man. He doesn't complain, he doesn't blame, he is fully responsible, and he feels equal to other people. He is in search of solutions, in pursuit of his happiness. Will Smith's character calls for our admiration. Do we want our children to grow up to be people who will be worth admiring? Then we need to learn how to raise them free.

118. The image of Ideal Child stops being ideal, in terms of being "perfect"

Parents are used to underestimating the importance of the fact that there are two images in their mind when they grow up children. All troubles stem from ignoring this fact. It is because when children are small parents think for them and tell them what to do. When children become adults and live in society, parents expect them to think for themselves and not wait till other people tell them what to do.

Here they are - our children. Still boys and girls, striving to be independent. They are unskilled, clumsy, messing things up, loud, when we want quiet, and quiet when we want them to be assertive, in one word - imperfect. Do we need to mold them to be perfect children and push their spirits down, or do we hold back our teaching passion and let them make their mistakes, which hopefully they out grow by the time they are adults?

Therefore, it is a necessary to ponder on the second image of an Ideal Woman or an Ideal Man now, when our children are still small. Who we want them to become like? What is the goal of our upbringing?

117. The image of Ideal Child lives in our minds

Before we say or do anything we have a thought in our mind first, or an image. While we plan to raise a child we have an image of a child in our mind, an image of the Ideal Child. It shows us what our real child is supposed to look like.

Soloveychik founds the main reason why parenting often fails in many families. It appears that we people also have an image of the Ideal Man, who our child is supposed to grow up to be in the future. The quality of a Child is dependence. The quality of a Man is independence. Here is the contradiction from which confusion and disappointment come if we don't make special corrections in our mind.

116. Why do we have children?

It's important to ask this question time to time while we think of how we are going to raise our children. For joy! Or disappointment?

"What do we need to do so that children bring us joy now, in five years, and in twenty five years from now, joy, not disappointment?" Soloveychik prepares readers to ponder on parenting goals.

115. The detny man condition: when children are interesting

The word detny is coming from the Russian root word deti (children). It was used to differentiate people with children from people without children mainly for tax benefits. But in this book the author describes that special emotional state of having children when people become responsible for the way they live, think and behave. For example a detny man can't despair, or become lazy because children watch.

Not all people who have children are in the detny condition. They look at children as objects for teaching, for instance to say "thank you" or "please."

"It is easy to recognize the detny man: children are interesting to him," S.Soloveychik says.

114. Children make life complicated; however, they help us manage ourselves

Children make life complicated, they challenge us, they test us. It isn't just that an another human being is added to the family with all the physical demands for space, food, clothes, and toys. It's because of demands for love and justice in our home - that is why life becomes complicated. People, who think of having a baby, need to remember that there will be difficult times when the generosity of their hearts and availability of conscience will be challenged. Soloveychik calls it sphere of ethics.

The challenges usually are hidden under the questions starting with "What to do if the child…?" And parents hope that if they find the answer and solve the problem their life will become easier. But they would be better off looking for the roots of the problems instead. The sooner they start searching the better.

*113. Upbringing must be unnoticeable

Parenting For Everyone doesn't tell parents how to discipline a difficult toddler, or to talk to a rebellious teenager so that the teenager obeys. It doesn't give instructions or ready recipes on how to deal with troubled children. Instead it draws parents' attention to ordinary children, to the way they grow, so that they don't become troubled in the future. The book investigates the laws of raising children. What is possible and impossible in raising children? What real power do parents have? What results follow from what actions? What are those laws and truths of the science of upbringing?

Soloveychik states that if parents dealt more with ordinary children, there would be less difficult ones.

Teaching parents to teach children, itself, touches a parent's personality. Nobody wants to feel like "a dummy" when experts tell them what to do. So the author's approach is different. He offers his own forty years of experience in dealing with children, his own discoveries and wisdom gathered from deep research on the laws of upbringing. One of them is that upbringing must be unnoticeable. If you want to teach somebody how to live do it unnoticeable.

Interesting, what do we know about "Where do GOOD children come from?"

112. It is better to be complex than to be wrong

Why was the subject of upbringing considered to be one of the most difficult tasks, art of the arts? Three parts are involved in upbringing: the parent, the child, and the relationship between them. These three variables are unknown. When parenting books address parents they usually describe to parents peculiarities of a child's development, and tips to improve the relationship between them. But those books may or may not work because one variable is left behind: knowledge about the parent. "What kind of knowledge is it ," you may ask, "I know all about myself!" Yes, and no. Therefore many parents are still disappointed about their children, about the parenting books, about their life. Parenting is complex. But if you look for an easy way, it may be wrong.

Soloveychik states, "It does not matter how high destiny lifts a man, or how low fate plunges him - his happiness or unhappiness is in his children. The older we become the more we understand this."

111. Parenting is the science about the art of upbringing

So it begins...

A big work on attempting to understand the roots of humanity in people. Soloveychik's first chapter is short. As a short but deep inhaling of air before running for a long journey, a journey of understanding the science about the art of child-rearing.

Why the art? As each individual is unique, each childhood is unique. Each child's way to grow may become a masterpiece of a talented parent, unique for each child, or it may become an ugly picture of unjust and heartless parent. It's an art because you need a talent to raise a child, talent of faith, hope and love. These concepts belong to an art category.

Why the science? Because there are laws there. Knowing those laws is essential. If we don't learn about them naturally from our parents, we have to learn about them from life, from our children, or from other people, the hard way. As Soloveychik says, "We all have to teach each other, because we cannot teach little children."

Table of content

Parenting for Everyone
By Simon Soloveychik
Copyright translation by Aigul Aubanova and Victor Dull



Book one: Man for Man

Part 1. Goals of Upbringing

Chapters
111. Parenting is the science of the art of upbringing.
112. It is better that it is complicated than deceiving.
*113. Upbringing must be unnoticeable.
114. Children make life complicated; however, they help us manage ourselves.
115. The detny condition: children are interesting to those in the detny condition.
116. Why do we have children?
117. The image of Ideal Child lives in our minds.
118. You cannot bring up your child by my image.
119. The first goal of upbringing is independence.
1110. A child is developed by his own self-liberation.
1111. There are 7 stages of self-liberation on the road from birth to birth.
1112. Parenting without lofty words and concepts is deceptive.
1113. Love and conscience lead the world.
1114. What is the main word in this phrase?
1115. If we want our children to become kind and honest, we must believe in kindness and honesty.
1116. How can we raise good children in bad conditions?
1117. How to prepare our child to have an independent life among other children at school?
1118. Prohibitions of a science of parenting, or what is possible and what is impossible to do.
1119. Do you know what happiness is?
1120. Language is the main teacher of a nation.
1121. Wish your children happiness.
1122. The art of upbringing is in imparting to a child a burning desire of happiness.
*1123. It seems to us that we give too much to children, but in fact, we constantly don’t give them enough of something very important.
1124. One person ponders the minutes of happiness in his life, they totaled 4.
1125. The mechanism of happiness always triggers a man to action.
1126. Happiness is when duty and truth go together.
1127. Duty is a joyful component of happiness.
1128. When a man’s spiritual strivings are satisfied he feels happy.
1129. Children learn happiness in childhood.
1130. Stress is harmful for child’s spirit and health.
1131. Work of soul is aimed against stress.
1132. The moral codex of children reveals the main quality of a man.
1133. Be yourself!
1134. The truth is the key concept of upbringing, of a spiritual life.
1135. The truth is a measure of a man.
1136. The best security of a man is people’s respect.
1137. Two problems parents have; how to raise a kind, honest and truthful man, and how then he will live.
1138. When thinking of the virtues of children we face insoluble contradictions.
1139. Upbringing power is a spiritual power to unite contradictions.
1140. The success of our upbringing depends on whether we can draw our child to the ideal image and whether this image meets the image of Man.

Book one: Man for Man

Part 2. Conditions of Upbringing

Chapters
121. There is an art of upbringing, and there is a science about that art - parenting.
122. For whom are the scientific books about the art of upbringing written?
*123. Parenting faith lives in us.
124. Commonplace parenting faith meets unexplainable results.
125. Faith is the same, common sense is the same, but conditions change enormously.
126. In old times parental faith was strengthened by fear.
127. Children are different now.
128. One of the most important changes is in the work environment.
129. In the past the goals of upbringing were different.
1210. Do you know how much time parents spend communicating with their children?
1211. Nothing will work if we are guided by forceless faith.
1212. Maybe there is upbringing without upbringing.
1213. I teach one thing and he learns another.
1214. It seems to me that I found the essence of upbringing.
1215. There is one moral law.
1216. What to do if you’re encroached upon is the wrong question.
1217. Everything related to the goals of men, is their spirituality, and everything related to means – morality.
1218. The father teaches a moral lesson: don’t encroach, by immoral means, by encroaching.
1219. Culture or morality?
1220. Vicious mother means the whole world is vicious.
1221. We have to refuse some goals if we can’t reach them without encroaching upon our child.
1222. We must make a choice.
1223. Upbringing is different but the result is the same.
*1224. I hate you! How to decrease evil, one atom less.
1225. There are two parenting faiths.
1226. Let a child love somebody!



Book one: Man for Man

Part 3. Means of Upbringing

Chapters
131. Why does upbringing succeed?
132. Passion for teaching in human beings is one of the first passions and it is very strong.
133. There are two foundations in parenting: psychology and ethics.
134. What can we do if a child is difficult?
135. To have a good attitude towards a child means to win over the evil parental passions in us.
136. We raise not a child but a man.
137. Please treat me as a man – please believe in me!
*138. Suspicion is especially dreadful for our children’s souls.
139. Please treat me as a man – rely on me.
1310. Hope is a good thing in upbringing!
1311. Please understand me!
1312. How difficult is a child’s life by comparison with an adult’s.
1313. Is the child always guilty in our eyes?
1314. Mother accepts a child, father understands.
1315. Be magnanimous to me!
1316. Those fathers didn’t allow any freedom.
1317. I am different!
1318. Don’t use me in your selfish endeavors!
1319. Don‘t be afraid for me!
1320. Be patient with me!
1321. This is a hard time of “twos.”
*1322. Teen age is a test for parental love and faithfulness.
1323. Old parental faith contains three conventional models of upbringing.
1324. Let’s determine that to weed out faults is a senseless act.
1325. The world doesn’t stand on fines and rewards.
1326. Children soften our hearts by their existence, by their laughter and antics.

Book two: Man in Man

Part 1. Upbringing of Heart

Chapters
*211. Maybe someday people will create a world that doesn’t require fixing.
212. The internal world of a man is purposeful.
213. How does a reliable behavior look like?
214. Desires are personality itself.
215. What does it mean to respect a man?
216. Remember that a child has two needs: for safety and for development.
217. Need for safety is divided into two parts: security –I and security – We.
218. When children do unimaginable things and risk their lives, we scold and punish them.
219. The personality of a child is the sum of his habits.
2110. New acquisitions call for a new order in the internal world of a child.
2111. When a child is under his parents’ control he is the strongest and the weakest.
2112. He didn’t know what goodness is.
2113. We are gifted with two things: inquisitiveness and imagination.
2114. Seven problems, one answer – development.
2115. How long does the mechanism for development work?
2116. Almost all parental problems have one and the same reason, namely inequality of two developmental programs: natural and cultural.
2117. Inquisitiveness is an engine of development.
2118. Imagination is a key.
2119. A child doesn’t strive to search for the essence of things because he already knows it.
2120. Compassion is result of developed imagination.
2121. Needs and natural gifts are the foundation of all desires of a child.
2122. Soul is developed feelings.
2123. Feelings go ahead of thoughts.
2124. There is no feeling without faith and hope.
2125. Conviction is knowledge, connected by with faith in it.
2126. Doubt is part of the process.
2127. Knowledge is function of mind, faith is function of soul.
2128. For the heart, it needs to believe.
2129. Faith is goodness instilled in a child undergoes a serious test in early adolescence.
2130. Life without hope is hell.
2131. Reliability is adults’ business.
2132. That was the first time I realized what love is.
2133. To bring up a heart of a child means to manage the child’s joy.
2135. Goodness is stronger than evil.
2136. It is impossible to indulge a child by joy?
2137. We dream our child feel compassion for us, parents.
2138. Where does evil come from?
2139. If the soul’s movement doesn’t meet a mutual movement from the outside world – it disappears.
*2140. We ourselves sow the seeds of evil – no one else.
2141. Any encroachment upon something dear to a man is evil.
2142. We try to awaken in a child good feelings for a man.
2143. She can’t take anything from a child, just as she can’t take anything from an adult.
2144. He didn’t try to bring up his son; he had an appointment with his son.
2145. Maybe the secret word is excitement.
2146. An evil feeling occurs instantly – the good feeling is put on hold.
2147. A feeling cannot be illusory.
2148. There are two tasks before us – not to call for evil feelings and to call for good desires in a child’s heart.
2149. The greatest source of feeling is first love.
2150. Love is…

Book two: Man in Man

Part 2. Upbringing of Spirit

Chapters
221. Why can someone kill another man?
222. Personality is the most complicated phenomenon in the Universe.
223. Why in some souls, suddenly good and honest intentions occur, and it other souls the opposite?
224. There is something in the human soul that stands against instincts at their very birth.
225. Conscience is striving for the truth.
226. There are finite and infinite desires.
227. What is the spirit of a man?
228. When we “justify” our actions, we want them to look “just” in people’s eyes.
229. How does spirit occur and develop in a child?
2210. What is the truth?
2211. Where did he get the idea that to lie is bad, it is a shame?
*2212. Our business is to raise conscientiousness.
2213. Conscience versus group morale.
2214. Each action of a man is with conscience or against it.
2215. The truth, conscience, is a law within me.
2216. If a child doesn’t know what conscience is it means there is no justice around the child.
2217. Unjust adults strike children.
2218. Problems of upbringing turn out to be problems of justice.
2219. What is fair in relations with children?
2220. Diligence is the first feature of conscientiousness.
2221 There is a great “No, I can’t”.
2222. There is a hope for better if a bad action of a child is left secret.
2223. Should we shame children?
*2224. Children risk to test their conscience.
2225. Do I believe in the truth?
2226. Goodness is love to people.
2227. Do I love people?
2228. In our home we say only good things about people.
2229. Upbringing power is in direct proportion to the strength of our love for people.
2230. How do I choose my future spouse?
2231. Beauty has its own role.
2232. The higher we go by the levels of spirit the easier and firmer a child learns the laws of people.
2233. What does the result of upbringing depend on?
2234. Why did she kill her friend?
2235. Only the spirit and worthy life conditions, taken together, formulate the dignity of a man.
2236. In everything a man does – there are degrees of truth, goodness and beauty.
2237. Common laws of parenting.
2238. The holy spirit lives in the earth’s inhabitants – in people.
2239. Family is the opposite to theatre.

Book two: Man in Man

Part 3. Upbringing of Intelligence

Chapters
231. The wrong perception of superiority of mind over feelings.
*232. What intelligence do we mean in our book?
233. Postulates of the right image of the world.
234. The world for a child is how he sees it for the first time.
235. We explain to a child how the world is built.
236. Failures are part of life.
237. What are criteria of choices a child makes?
238. There are several levels of moral consciousness.
239. A man steals because he knows he is a theft.
2310. There is a firm law called the law of deserved conversationalist.
*2311. We instill in a child that he is intelligent and he will become intelligent.
2312. You are OK and I am OK.
2313. A suppressed creature doesn’t dare to think or to wish.
2314. The formula of will.
2315. When three components of the formula of heart grow to tremendous size people have the genius ability to work.
2316. Feeling is oppositely proportional to confidence ( hope and faith).
2317. He doesn’t love, he acts.
2318. Everything that relates to will is called character.
2319. There is a secret in successful parenting.
2320. Everything is from nature and everything is from upbringing.
2321. While upbringing, let’s learn to work by our soul, intelligence and spirit, let’s teach our child to work by his soul – and a man in a man will grow up, and everything will be alright


Book three: Man and Man

Part 1. Upbringing by Communication

Chapters
311. I love you too.
312. Contact, we need contact with children.
*313. Common language is the language of desires not of command and obedience.
314. There is a gift of feeling another man.
315. Common secret with a child.
316. Equality of strivings.
317. A voice and a glance, the first instruments of communication.
318. How to look at a child with a kind glance?
319. The poorer a man is emotionally, the less he is able to communicate, the more he is irritable.
3110. Who has a right for irritation?
3111. Irritation is a feature of vanishing love.
3112. Children don’t bear evil in themselves.
3113. One person with spirit is enough in successful parenting.


Book three: Man and Man

Part 2. Upbringing by Cooperation

Chapters
321. A child comes to us as a guest.
322. The worst thing in parenting is power battle.
323. Are parents responsible for cooperation with their children?
324. Children and parents are like co-workers in different departments.
325. It seems that he obeys me, but he doesn’t. We together do something important for us.
326. They don’t listen to me, but they hear me!
327. How is life together with parents?
328. The only person who owes is me.
329. Home chores are the worst beneficial in parenting.
3210. There is a law of care.
3211.How cooperation with children work?
3212. In our family where the culture of request is developed.
3213. Work of soul.
*3214. Money and things.
3215. May our home always be beautiful!
3216. Instill confidence and help!
3217. Remember our goal – increase a child’s dignity.
*3218. The law of the cat: No one from the outside can improve relationships between two people.
3219. We should not be quick to help our children when they collide with the world.
3220. Any fault of a child is our, parents, fault.
3221. Politeness versus heart hearing.
3222. Don’t make difficulties for other people!

Book three: Man and Man

Part 3. Upbringing by Mutual Creativity

Chapters
331. Mutual creativity is a higher form of relationship between people.
332. The inquisitive child and his interest should be valued.
333. The imagination of a child is his unique world.
334. Give the child the opportunity to learn different languages: the language of music, flowers, lines, colors, poetry, fairy tales, and beauty.
335. Cooperation, communication, mutual creativity.
336. Children learn from their successes and achievements, not from their mistakes.
337. Why doesn’t a conventional scheme work?
*338. Children are thankful people, children are thankless people.
339. Instill in your children that they are beautiful people!

Back to the future!

I am back to work on ParentingForEveryone.com!
I start commenting the chapters of the book Parenting For Everyone here in this blog. I believe the future is bright for the book as more and more spiritual movement is growing worldwide.
It is a monumental work of Simon Soloveychik, a parenting manual for life. That is why it is a great challenge for me.

Each chapters of the book are coded according to the book structure. It has three books inside and each enside book has three parts. So the first two digits of chapters stand for the book and part numbers. Soloveychik wrote his book simply numbering chapters. In order to facilitate reading and orientation I gave each chapter a title. I present the whole book content in the next post.