Have Responsibility - What Does It Mean? (Part 3)

"Independent means being free, or more precisely, being internally free," says Simon Soloveychik in his book Parenting For Everyone. By freedom people assume freedom of choices. Internal freedom assumes full responsibility for those choices. Therefore a free man is a completely responsible man. How do irresponsible children grow up to be responsible people?

Apparently, "freedom of a man is determined by the source of punishment for his mistakes" (S.Soloveychik). If we punish children for their wrong choices we take responsibility ourselves. We are being responsible, not the children. When we scold, blame, shame, or rebuke a child for his or her mistakes we punish the child. The source of punishment comes from us, from outside the child. So, the child doesn't learn responsibility. All the child learns is that we don't love him or her and that he or she is supposed to be guilty. Therefore, children grow not free, afraid of people, afraid of life, and they are afraid of freedom. Only when the source of punishment comes from inside the child (internally), when the child feels hurt from doing wrong, he learns responsibility. Only then he becomes internally free.

Why does it need to be so complicated? Why do we even talk about responsibility? Sometimes it is more convenient to raise a child who is obedient and controllable. Let's admit it: sometimes we don't want our children to be free! But do we want our children to be happy? In the movie Pursuit of Happiness the main character, Chris Gardner portrayed by Will Smith, represents a free man. He doesn't complain, he doesn't blame, he is fully responsible, and he feels equal to other people. He is in search of solutions, in pursuit of his happiness. Will Smith's character calls for our admiration. Do we want our children to grow up to be people who are worth admiring? Then we need to learn how to raise them to be internally free.

Have Responsibility - What Does It Mean? (Part 2)

To have responsibility means to be able to respond, to answer why someone did what he did. Who does the person have to respond to? Sometimes he has to admit that he did wrong publicly. Sometimes he apologizes to a person he hurt privately. But very often he doesn't have anybody to speak to, but himself. He admits to himself that he doesn't want to repeat what he did wrong. That is what is most important. That is how people become responsible. They learn to do right and avoid doing wrong because doing wrong hurts! In human language this internal responsiveness is called conscientiousness. A developed intelligence to discern between right and wrong is called conscience.

Only when children learn about how doing wrong hurts inside they develop their own internal system of judgment. They start to strive to do good and avoid doing bad things, in other words, they become intelligent. They don't need outside approval or disapproval because they already know what is good and what is bad. So they become independent from approval and from any judgment. They become free. They are not afraid of people's judgment, they are not afraid of people. They acquire internal strength of character, which brings courage to admit willingly that they did something wrong, a quality, which not many adults have.

Another misconception of parents is when they think that they teach responsibility by setting boundaries or limits on children. The parents' boundaries only irritate children and teach them to ignore their parents' efforts, or to play a game called power struggle. The real boundaries arise inside a child, in his conscientiousness, in his developed intelligence and heart.

Have Responsibility - What Does It Mean? (Part1)

Responsibility is one of the top qualities parents want their chidlren to have when children grow up. To be responsible literally means to be able to respond, to answer why someone did what he did. If the action is wrong, the answer is not easy. It requires courage to admit that someone was wrong, and it requires intelligence to discern between right and wrong, and it requires desire to learn from the lesson and not do the same thing again.

When it comes to teaching children responsibility parents are confused in many ways. They think their duty is to explain to children why particular actions are wrong, which assumingly develops children's intelligence. They also try to be friendly so that children won't fear punishment for their misbehavior. Instead of harsh punishment parents would use a punishment of a soft sort. For example, if a boy took a toy from his sister and she started crying, his parents will explain why his behavior was bad and hurt his sister; therefore he must have a time out. Will the boy become responsible and not hurt his sister again because of the explanation and the time out?

Intelligence to discern between right and wrong doesn't come to a child from explanations. The child must have a willingness to act in the right way and to avoid temptations. This willingness doesn't come because of words; it comes because of feelings. In the example above if the boy could feel his sister's pain, he would not be able to hurt her next time. The ability to feel for another person, or imagine another person's pain, is the quality of a developed heart. Do parents think about developing children's feelings when they think of teaching responsibility?

Commentary to Parenting For Everyone, Book 1 Part1 chapter 9

Parents' Project - From Ideal Child to Ideal Man (Part2)

Parents underestimate the importance of the fact that there are two images in their minds when they bring up children: an image of a child, an ideal child, and an image of a grown up, an ideal man, whom their child would hopefully become. Most disappointments in parenting come from a mismatch between reality and the ideal. When children are small parents think for them and tell them what to do. Parents expect children to be dependent. When children become adults and live in society, parents expect them to think for themselves and not wait until other people tell them what to do. In other words, parents expect them to be independent.

Here they are - our children. Still boys and girls, striving to be independent. They are loud, when we want quiet, and quiet when we want them to be assertive; they are unskilled, clumsy, messy, in one word - imperfect. Do we need to mold them to be perfect children to fit our ideal images? What if, in our way, we accidentally push down their spirits and hold back their striving for independence? Or, do we rather hold back our teaching passion and let them make their mistakes, which hopefully they out grow by the time they are adults?

The solution is inevitable. Our image of the ideal child stops being ideal, in terms of being "perfect." We see our real child and he is far from perfect. But we say, "Perfect! This is how a child is supposed to be." Now what? Now it is time to ponder on the image of an ideal man. How does independence develop in a man? Do we need to give a child freedom? What is this freedom about? Is it freedom to do anything, say anything, scream anything? "There must be boundaries, limits," ague many parenting experts. But why do some children feel free even in a corner of a room, and some children go wild in a huge house and still feel dependent? Maybe it is time to make clear what we know about boundaries, independence, responsibility, and freedom. The result of a parenting project completely depends on the clarity of these concepts.

As any project starts in the mind of its planner, upbringing of children starts in the mind of parents. The clearer understanding, the greater the result will be on the road from ideal child to ideal man.

Parents' Project - From Ideal Child to Ideal Man (Part1)

Nowadays everyone seems to be aware of the power of thought. Many progressive parents know that an action starts in the mind first. When pondering on parents' project to raise a child parents have thoughts and ideas on how they will do it. Most people get their first ideas on parenting from their own parents. They have images of who the child is supposed to be as a child and who the child is supposed to become as an adult. Those ideal images of a child and an adult are ideal because they live in the mind of the parent. When it comes to reality, in most cases, the real child, or real adult, which the child is supposed to become, are far from "ideal."

The main quality of an ideal child is dependence. A child is born weak and helpless. Therefore parents are there for him: to care, to help, to teach, and to lead. The child is supposed to follow. In most cases, though, the real child resists and doesn't want to follow. When parents face such a mismatch they try hard to fix the real child to fit their ideal image of a child. In the best case scenario parents reach their goal and the real child becomes obedient and a well -mannered dependent child, as he or she is supposed to be as children. The problem comes later, when it is time to become an adult.

The main quality of an ideal adult is independence. An adult is supposed to make his own decisions in life and those decisions are hopefully the right ones. For that purpose an adult must have already developed a set of proven criteria for judging what is right and what is wrong. However, a child who was taught to be dependent will not be able to develop that criteria. That is why it is unrealistic to expect a child to become independent overnight, after the child's 18th birthday. He cannot make decisions, because his parents made them for him during his childhood. So the drama continues. Now parents look to fix the real grown up child to fit their image of an independent adult. But fixing the grown up is harder and parents give up, stating that their grown up is responsible for now for his own life. In the best case scenario the grown up child will find his own sources to cope with his life. But sometimes it takes twenty or more years, if not longer, for a person to finally become independent.

If parents learn this lesson they give up attempts of fixing their real child to fit their ideals. Instead, they change their ideal image of a child to match the ideal image of an adult. Independence, the quality of being an adult, becomes the quality of the child, expressed in its internal striving for independence, striving for freedom.

How to reach this goal? How to raise an independent child? The answers will come in following articles.

Why people have children

There are many reasons why people have children: because children represent the future and they are a source of pride; because parents want to pass on their genes and have heirs; because of the desire to experience parenthood or to feel like a family, not just like a couple. Sometimes children are seen as a source of future financial support for their retired parents, sort of an old-age security. Some mothers feel their biological clocks ticking. There are religious reasons as well. No matter how many personal reasons, or no reasons at all exist, people will still look for the answer to this question.

Even those who already have children still wonder why people have children. In this case they do not look for reasons. They look for the meaning. What is the meaning of having children? At first glance it may seem that reason and meaning are the same. Reasons listed above are more tangible, practical, and even selfish. The meaning of having children is philosophical, intangible, and spiritual. Reasons push. Meaning draws.

Why do people have children? Because children bring joy, that is why!

In the beginning it may appear as selfish joy, which is okay, when we want a baby: to hold, to touch, to smell the baby's milky soft skin, to look at a miracle of life. Then the sleepless nights and endless care-giving chores put the idealistic picture of having a baby into the realm of dedication to a child, and require the work of soul. For those parents who are able to experience the excitement of overcoming selfishness and are able to reach mutual connectedness with the soul of their child, this experience is unforgettable and worth all the efforts. In an online forum a father, who didn't think he even liked children, made a comment, that the moment he saw his sons he couldn't "get enough of them." Having kids for him was a "transformative, amazing, incredible" experience, where "all your worst qualities (and your best) being played out in front of you." He wrote, "I love them, and I love the father that I am with them. Having kids makes me a better man."

People have children because children make them better men. Here is the joy and meaning of parenting.

Ideas are taken from Parenting For Everyone by Simon Soloveychik, Book Part1 chapter6.

Parenting information: regarding two types of parents

Parenting is the most contradictory and confusing subject of discussion. Each parent has their own opinion about it. Yet, there are clearly two groups of parents, which always argue with each other: yes-parents versus no-parents (or permissive versus authoritarian). They argue about the degree of external freedom allowed to children. But arguments continue even within each group because of the many other facets of the child-parent relationship. Some parents are confused by the different levels of extremes inside their own group and try to derive common sense by combining both theories. We would like to describe two other types of parents, who differ by their attitude toward children.

Children are interesting to parents of the first type. We will call these parents detny parents. When giving an apple to a child a detny parent would enjoy watching the child eat the apple.

All other parents look at children as objects for teaching. When giving an apple to a child such parents would watch to make sure the child says thank you. When meeting a school boy the only thing such parents would ask is "How are your grades?" (What else is there to talk about?) Detny parents, on the other hand, find plenty of topics to talk about to children, therefore they can talk to them for hours and never get bored.

Detny parents don't consider themselves perfect. So they don't expect children to be perfect either. Detny parents admit that they make mistakes. And they let children make their mistakes as well. They also don't try to convince anyone that they are always right.

Not detny parents are concerned about their rightousness and are defensive when children address these parents weaknesses. Parents perceive this as an attack to their authority and a power struglle ensues. Parents are afraid of losing control over the children and eventually this leads to fear of children. Detny parents, on the other hand, are not afraid of children, because there is no reason for power struggles.

Detny parents don't blame children. They also don't blame anybody else for their life's misfortunes; they are responsible for their own lives. However, they don't expect children to be responsible for children's lives, because children are still children. And children eventually learn about responsibility from these parents.

These ideas are taken from Simon Soloveychik's book Parenting For Everyone.